Yours truly digging into a little local tucker

I recently had a good poke at English food. It can be worse. A lot worse.

I just spent another little sojourn in the Arctic…this time in Iqaluit, Nunavut where I tried a little of the local faire.

Even “normal” food is ridiculously expensive. Your basic deep fried chicken and chips is more than twenty bucks. And I think the chicken died of malnutrition. Then again, I noticed one less squarking seagull that evening.

I had a little of the local char too. Sort of like a slightly fattier salmon. You can literally pull these fish out of the river with your bare hands at spawning time. They are the size of a salmon and congregate below the local water falls waiting for the tide to come in to move up river. The river roils with thousands of the horny little devils. So it is a bit of a shock to end up spending fifty bucks at the local “nice” hotel for a sliver of char to size of a fish finger. Maybe you are paying for the two carrots and parsley garnish.

But when in Rome…well, you enjoy pasta ala Romagna, tiramisu, espresso and a nice super tuscan. When in Iqaluit you eat something raw, fishy and awful.

Above is yours truly enjoying beluga. Of course traditional “country food” is based on the idea that potential food sources come around about twice a year so you eat what you get. I was dared to try a little whale. Mmmmm tasty. Tasty if your idea of tasty is eating a piece of salmon that has sat out in the sun for about a week.

I contemplated trying the raw seal also on offer. I was about to dig in when the rest of the seal arrived in the form of a big, bloody lump of slimy offal with bits of cartilage and organs galore. Hurl. So, compared to our Governor General Michaelle Jean I am a big fat wimp. But then it is her job, and they told her she could get voted off Baffin Island if she didn’t eat it.

Well, good on the locals for sticking with this stuff. It’s traditional and apparently healthy. Riiiight. But I have to thank the local Inuit for sharing, which is the point I think and this is all in jest.

But, I will definitely not slag off Spotted Dick or Scotch eggs anymore. Promise.

What the hell has Harry done to my team? Surely, he must know the legacy and tradition of Spurs. The plot is a well known one, so why isn’t he playing along?

First up, we should have spent the summer being linked to every player under the sun. We would then buy some overpriced has been or never was and promise a top four finish. Then it is a pre-season of thrashing of the likes of Brentford and Leyton Orient. Expectations turn into jubilation. And then comes the beginning of the season where we lose the first five games to Newcastle, Boro, Sunderland,  Bolton and Chelsea and we spend of the rest of the season struggling to mid table.

And that is how we Tottenham fans like it. We want to have that anticipation turn to bitter disappointment. We want to complain about our overpaid nobs. We want to wallow in self pity and loathing. It is what we do. It is what the Tottenham football club is all about. Oh sure, there was that 1960s aberration when Spurs won tons of stuff but they got rid of that stuff tout de suite in the 70s and even managed to get relegated. Relief all round.

So here is Harry Redknapp. Not buying players we don’t need. Buying good players can you believe? Bassong being a really good buy it turns out.

Then there is the whole winning thing. WTF? Beat Liverpool handily. Thrash Burnley 5-1 and beat the Hammers at Upton Park. We even have the gall to sit at the top of the table.

What is going on? Harry has even taken to playing basically the same team for three games in a row. How is that going to work? Doesn’t he know there is a whole squad of overpaid starlets waiting to work up a very minor sweat?

It is a about time Harry started playing some of our other players and losing a few games so we can get back to the proper Spurs. Back to feeling miserable and whinging.

I have been pretty good about not writing about Tottenham for a while. Some complaints about too much Spurs, not enough other stuff…but this is the eve of the new season so I have to say something.

Spurs ended last season strongly and Redknapp turned a struggling bunch of tossers into the semblance of a team, got a solid defensive midfielder and sorted out the defence somewhat. He got back two strikers the previous regime had sold and even got Spurs into the League Cup final, although missed out on Europe on the last weekend of the season.

Given that after eight games the team was bottom of the table, it was a remarkable turn around.

Now comes the difficult sophomore year for Redknapp. Wisely, he has played down expectations even though this year could be one of the most open premiership seasons for a long time. He didn’t go out and blow a wad of money on flash players and has concentrated on keeping the core of the team together. The lack of European football may be a blessing as the team can focus on domestic matters.

At the end of the year, it was still apparent that central defence was made of balsawood, as ever the left hand side was pretty bare and there was a lack of goals from midfield. The team had plenty of power up front and about half a dozen right backs. So what did Tottenham end up landing in the transfer window…yep,  a striker and a right back.

Redknapp also bought in Bassong as backup for the injury prone defence, although I am of the opinion that anyone who comes from the barcodes has to prove themselves beyond a reasonable doubt. Newcastle was awful last year and so I would be wary of lauding any player from that shambles.

Bent out and Crouch in seems like a good swap. Bent was OK and was our top scorer last year, but he could have done more and always looked bored or pissed off. That famous miss that ‘arry’s missus could have scored and then the almost goal in OT in the League Cup final, either of which could have seen us in Europe, spoke volumes. Not to lay it all on him, but these are the margins in the modern game between success and also-ran. Crouch and Defoe – Big and Small – are a pretty good pairing and if they stay fit, might be the best duo in the league. And with Keane and Pavlyuchenko as backups, that is a formidable front line.

If the defence stays healthy, and Gomes starts as he finished last year, then the forward and rear parts of the team will do just fine.

My worries are with midfield. Palacios was the buy of the year last year and completely transformed the team; organized the midfield gave it shape and grit and allowed the likes of Jenas and Modric to move forward with some confidence. But the left side is still an issue. We have no natural goal scoring midfielder like a Lampard or Gerrard who can score you a dozen goals. And there are too many players who don’t fit in – Huddlestone, Bentley, O’Hara, Jenas even. All good players, but unable to find a role. Zokora is gone and I think Bentley will be off too. So Harry really needs to find that left sided winger.

So same old same old then.

I don’t think Tottenham will break the top four this year. They will be in a scrap with other teams for the top six – Man City, Fulham, Everton, Arsenal and and Villa are all going to be there at the end so Spurs had better get off to a good start.  

My starting eleven would be: Gomes; Hutton, King, Woodgate, Assou-Ekotto; Palacios, Lennon, Keane, Modric; Crouch, Defoe. Subs: Cuducini, Corluka, Bassong, O’Hara, Huddlestone, Jenas, Pavlyuchenko.

My predictions for the year: Winners – Liverpool. Second: Chelsea. Third: Man U. Fourth: Everton. Fifth: Spurs. Sixth: Arse. Seventh: Man City. Down will go Brum, Hull and Burnley.

I decided on the staycation and finally hit the new local English market I had been eying up for a while. I say market, but the reality was it was more like two shelves with Ambrosia Semolina Pudding, some sketchy looking boxes of Tetley Tea and half a frozen pork pie. Needless to say my salivating over potential bakewell tarts stopped pretty tout de suit.

Most cultures dream about the foods of their native lands. Italians, Indians, Jamaicans – all lust after and recreate their pastas, curries and Jerk chickens. We English don’t exactly yearn after our tripes and wimpey burgers.

 As they say all Scottish cooking is based on a dare. English cooking is based on wartime rations. Please explain the continuing use of suet. You should also try explaining Spotted Dick to your wife some time.

 Although as I drove up to the un-named market….I had images of some English foods I did want.

First up Bakewell Tarts. I grew up on these Imperial Cookie type things. I can still smell them and they are one of the best cakes around. Except for Battenberg Cakes. Basically, different coloured cubes of sponge wrapped by marzipan. What is not to love?

Then there are the tins of chocolate cake that you boil in the tin and then top with gobs of Ambrosia creamy custard.

 I don’t actually have a sweet tooth, but I have a big time craving for this stuff.

 Pork pies are another little treat you don’t get in North American. Pork swimming in pork gelatin wrapped in pastry. Which brings me to Cornish pasties….meat and veggies wrapped in pastry. Mmmm.

 There are Scotch Eggs, which involve hard boiled eggs wrapped in hamburger meat and breadcrumbs and deep fried. Fish and chips. English sausages even. 

Where I grew up, cockles, mussels and some bottom dwelling fish were the local fair. Unlike somewhere like Italy or Spain, these fish dishes were either pickled or deep fried. Not exactly appetizing

When you step back and think about it, there is nothing particularly healthy about English food is there? In fact most English food involves fat. A lot is deep fried. And yet it wasn’t until American fast food and packed instant meals turned up that the English started getting more obese. I guess that may be down to portion size. An English sandwich is two slices of white bread and a thin slice of ham. Maybe a slice of cheese if you are really lucky.

So how come I can’t get some good English food? In this digital age you think it would be easy. But apparently not. In the old days, you could live in the Himalayas and get Fortnum and Mason to deliver you a hamper on the back of an elephant. Might take nine months but how is that different than HMV online?

 Today, I am going to have to get cousins to put together a care package and try and squeeze it past the sniffer dogs at Canadian border services.